lita no likey stress
April 22, 2004 at 1:14 a.m.
I'm sick. Not physically...not even really mentally. I'm just sick. I'm tired of everything. I don't really know how else to describe it. Just sick. Too many things on my mind again. Which, of course, ends up leading to me ending up actually feeling physically ill. Which I have been for a few days now. I know I don't have a bug or a cold or something. It's just stress. This is the sort of thing that makes me believe I live off of drama. If I don't have drama in my life then I feel bland. So..what do I do? Subconsciously stir up some drama for myself. Or maybe it is consciously done? I don't know.I just worry about things that are over with or that I have no control over. For instance, last night..for no reason whatsoever, I started thinking about The Wench and Bastard. Rehashing a bunch of the bullshit I went through with those two..not to mention a few other parties. Why? It's done. It's over with. And as far as I'm concerned, if I never hear from or see either of them again it'll be too soon. Either way, I just ended up angry all over again.
Then I started thinking about my FAFSA. A few days ago, my parents got a letter in the mail stating that my FAFSA was chosen to be looked at a little closer. They asked for copies of several different pieces of paper. Now, I know my parents didn't intentionally sit down and lie to me. So why am I worried about what's going to happen? Other then the fact that my parents have YET to file one of the papers they're asking for. If they don't turn that thing in soon, then I'm not going to get very much financial aid. I don't get the aid, I don't go to Transy.
Which of course leads me to thinking about my grades. They're crap. My GPA....crap. All of it...CRAP. I'm just barely keeping the scholarship Transy offered me. If I don't maintain at least a B in my may term course...I lose it...unless I can give them a good enough reason as to why my GPA sucks.
And, of course, there's Jerrod, who I love a lot. We've moved sorta fast in the relationship as far as I'm concerned. I'm not complaining...I didn't do anything I didn't feel I was ready for. But there's always the question of whether or not I'm ready for the next step. We had the opportunity this weekend. Four nights together. I thought about it a lot. As a matter of fact, I believe I can safely say that I lost some sleep over it. Which only served to make me irritable. (Though it was not the only reason for my "snippiness" as Jerrod put it.) I finally told him that if I had to think about things this much then I wasn't ready and he understood.
But then there's those four days. I think I had maybe three hours each of those days to myself. And most of that time was spent sleeping. I almost felt....stiffled...no...that's not the right word. Too strong I think. But I definitely felt something. And because I couldn't find the right word to describe it, I didn't know how to tell Jerrod about it. I was sort of thankful when class started up and things went back to normal between him and me. Not that I want him to think that I didn't enjoy spending those nights with him. I did...a lot. I think I may just be going through my own anti-social phase right now or something. I don't know.
But it does bring me to my next topic. I don't feel connected to anyone like I used to. It feels almost like I'm just sort of floating. And that makes me want to cry. I love my friends. All of them. But I don't feel as close to any of them as I used to and it's disheartening. It's scary actually. My friends give me meaning. They don't necessarily make me...but they give me meaning. So I feel directionless. And it feeds into making me sick.
I've been nauseous for a good while now. At least two days. Last night, I almost threw up as I tried to fall asleep. Not fun. Not that I slept well either. I woke up a lot and have been exhausted all day. I shouldn't be up now actually. I need all the sleep I can manage. And considering I have a class at noon tomorrow...I should probably sleep until 11. And I'll probably try.
I've fallen back into not wanting to do anything. I'll be initiated into AOII Monday...but I don't feel like going. There's a candle light tomorrow...don't want to go. Band concert Friday....made plans to throw my shoe at the director before the concert rendering him unconscious..among other means of preventing it from taking place. I'm hoping this will pass soon. I don't need or want this. (Or maybe I do subconsciously want it.)
