stupid break downs
February 17, 2004 at 1:37 p.m.
I'm sort of ashamed of the last two entries. I guess my defense mechanism just totally broke down. I knew it was cracking on Valentine's Day. I was too hyper. Which tends to happen when I'm losing it. I was alright (meaning I've been worse) until about 11:40 Saturday night when I just started to cry. I didn't stop until almost one and then I felt I had to leave Jerrod's room because he wanted me to go at midnight. And Sunday was just another day from hell. I didn't want to do much of anything. But I love spending time with Jerrod so I played ping pong with him and sat in the 80 for awhile. I was better during that time until he left a little after 8:30. Then I felt completely alone. I went to the computer lab and talked with Alexis for a while about my fears and worries dealing with Jerrod and my other stressors of the time.I wrote a poem and the first of the last two entries in here. I felt a little better for awhile. Until I talked to Jerrod again. Then I started feeling horrible again because I realized that my situation was straining him far too much. I felt guilty. That's the easiest way for me to put it.
I realized that I had completely cracked. I had completely lost that defense mechanism that I use so often. Maybe it's not the best thing in the world, but it's what I've gotten by on thus far. So now that it's starting to come back, I feel distanced. It's almost like I'm just watching myself go through the days as opposed to living them. I can't really describe it right now. Perhaps if I get over this soon, I'll be able to tell you more. Until then, you'll just have to be satisfied with the whole "I'm watching myself live" and "I feel sorta numb" deal.
I've learned that what I tend to do when I have a lot of stress put on me all at once is pick just one stress and focus on it. So this weekend, I picked the one closest to me because I guess I felt like it was the one I had the best chance at fixing. This, of course, means Jerrod. I know I blew things way out of proportion. I know that my mind, which is already held by depression as it is, made everything worse than it actually is. (Or does my defense mechanism make it better?) But I also know that there actually has to be something there for my mind to make worse. I mean, I'm creative and what not, but my mind just will not make something out of nothing.
So I started thinking about what had happened that my mind would pick up on. It struck me sometime last night actually. Right before I talked to Zoe for a short bit. It seemed to me that Jerrod and Robbie had sort of switched certain aspects. And that really bothered me because I can't stand Robbie. Suddenly now, it was Robbie who wants to spend a lot of time with Crystal and Jerrod who wants to spend very little time with me. I realize that this bit of information is probably a huge blow to Jerrod (I mean, it is to me and I'm not the one that's being related to Robbie here), which is why I debated about putting it in here at all. (Since Jerrod reads my diary...) But I figured I needed to get it out somewhere and this is the place I go to let things out. I'm also not going to hide things like that from Jerrod. It just wouldn't be right. I am by no means comparing him to Robbie though. He definitely doesn't deserve that. But anyway that's one of the few things I came up with. And then I came to the conclusion that I just rely on Jerrod far too much. So now I'm sitting here sorting out my actions in my head. I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm not sure what to do. And I don't like this feeling at all.
Though I do have to admit, I found this article to be rather helpful. It deals with "dieing from a broken heart" and talks more or less about the effects of the death of a spouse, but I think it can deal with much more than that. It has meaning to what I'm feeling right now. So I had to read it. I don't necessarily have a broken heart and I highly doubt I'll die from my current grief, but it has good advice. So yeah...I'll run along now.
