hey look, more shit
February 16, 2004 at 1:28 a.m.
I feel so sick to my stomach right now. I need to find a way to calm down. I wrote a poem earlier, The Biggest Reason, and it seemed to help for a while.I tried to come up to the room at 11:30 but I found that Robbie was still here with Crystal. So I sat down in back lobby for a few minutes. Then I tried to go up to Zoe's room. I knew I could cry on her shoulder, and believe me, I could feel a tremendous cry coming on. But when I got to her door, I could hear several other people in there with her. That blew that idea. I tried to think of someone else I could go to. All I knew was that I didn't want to be standing out in the hall on 4th back with tears streaming down my face. It was bad enough that my eyes were obviously watering.
I thought of Kramsler, but remembered that she had left to go to the UK library. There was no one else I felt I could really turn to. Oh sure, there was Amanda or Mandy or Kim...but I don't feel comfortable enough going to them like that. So I went back down to back lobby and sat. I focused on how much I disliked Jerry Seinfield (since that's what was on) until I saw Crystal and Robbie walk by.
I came back to the room and...bit my inner lip. Dear lord, now I can't even let myself cry when I'm alone. I checked my mail and washed my dinner bowl and then decided that it might be a good idea for me to disappear for a while. So one day, I think I'll make myself a little scarce. Not that many people would bother looking, but hey, maybe it'll give me a chance to calm down. I doubt it though. It never worked at home for me to be alone, why should it work here?
I feel alone anyway. Not sure what difference actually being alone will make.
Jerrod successfully made me feel bad yet again, unintentionally I'm sure. But if all I'm doing is making him depressed, then I don't want him to try and help me. Because the more he'll try to help me, the more depressed he will become. The more depressed he becomes because of me, the more horrible I'll feel. The more horrible I feel, the more he'll try to help me. It's just a cycle that won't stop.
I've started taking St. John's Wort again. I'm really hoping this will help me out. I can't take this. I don't know, maybe I'll try to write another poem before bed. I don't even know if it will help. I haven't had that tremendous cry I felt coming earlier. I can feel it again though. The sides of my mouth where I bite are still sore. Perhaps I should find a different means of stopping the emotional pain. Soon enough, I won't feel my teeth any more.
