crash and burn baby...crash and burn
February 15, 2004 at 3:26 a.m.
Everything hit me earlier today. All the stress, all the worry. Everything. I hit the breaking point some time Friday night. Well...let me back up some more. Let me talk a little about Crystal first.Her and I had been having a fair amount of problems. It finally got so bad that her and I weren't even really talking. She's my best friend around here and we were barely saying hello to each other. So I was stressed about that and worrying about Ralph and then stuff with Swartz surfaced. All in all, I just went to bed completely frazzled. That's what sparked the dream I talked about in the last entry. The one in which I died. I finally decided I couldn't take it any more after having a long conversation that involved Jerrod, Zoe, Kramsler, and myself. So that night, I sat down and wrote a three paged letter to Crystal. It was my last ditch effort because I was being driven insane. I sent it to her at 2 in the morning in an email and after she read it, she came straight back to the room. The two of us sat up talking until 4 and got a fair amount of stuff talked out. Then we made a run out to Arby's because we were both starving.
Friday, I didn't go to classes. Both because I felt like I was on the verge of tears still and because I didn't get to sleep until about 6 in the morning. But I did get up and go to lunch and then over to Jerrod's like I normally do on Friday's. I went shopping with Zoe a little later and ended up buying the majority of the Freddy Krueger movies. (Majority only because I couldn't find the first one and couldn't afford Freddy v. Jason.) I got back and immediately bid on the first movie on ebay....only to discover that Jerrod had bought it for me for Valentine's Day. I felt absolutely horrid. There I had gone and ruined a surprise yet again. So Jerrod and I ended up trading gifts Friday night instead of on Valentine's Day.
Now, it had been planned for a good while that I'd be meeting Jerrod's mom and brother on V-day, but I have to admit, I was nervous. So Friday night, late...as in....3 in the morning or so, I was hyper and jumpy and watching Nightmare on Elm Street. I'm not sure why I was so nervous to meet his mom, but I was. I think I even scared Crystal a little with the way I was acting.
I also found out on Friday that my parents are filing for bankruptcy again. The lawyer will be filing the papers next week. The only thing that I'm worried about that involves money is the question of whether or not I'll be able to afford to come here next year. My dad won't be able to co-sign any more loans. So unless my aunt or uncle is willing to help me out here (which I'm really truly hoping they are), I'm screwed. I lose Transy. I lose my education. I lose my future. Because I sure as hell won't even be able to afford Edison. It scares the hell out of me. What really gets to me are the memories from the last time we filed bankruptcy. This will be the second time now. There was so much tension in the house. My mom blamed my dad, my dad blamed my mom. Fights, arguments, and the scary D-word that no child wants to hear. Flash backs hit me every now and then. I can already tell my dad is starting to feel like a failure...which happens to him when something like this takes place. And that terrifies me.
Being hit with everything like that took me to a breaking point. (I have many and they all end differently.) This particular one took me to the state of "there's nothing wrong, there's nothing to worry about, I'm happy, I'm good, I'm giddy, just you wait, I'll be skipping to class shortly." It's not a pretty picture. But I hit that Friday night when I was sitting there watching Freddy Krueger, waiting to switch my laundry, and wondering what I was going to wear to meet Jerrod's mom.
Nothing got to me for most of Saturday. It was like I blocked everything out and was carefree. After Jerrod and I got back from eating pizza with his mom, we went to his room and watched Rayearth. We laid there curled up, me with my arm around him. And I was happy. I'm usually happy when I'm with Jerrod. He just has a knack for making me feel that way. As of late though, I feel like he's trying to pull away. It gives me the odd feeling that I'm trying to take up too much of his time. Like I'm being clingy. Which I suppose could be true since I do see him every night. And I don't like to see him go.
I could almost feel the breaking point backlash that occurs every time. So, I just wanted to lay there with Jerrod and hold him and have him hold me for awhile. I was so comfortable and so relaxed. I wanted to stay there just like that for as long as I could. Because somehow, just being near him makes everything seem alright. But then he told me that he would probably "kick me out" about midnight. A joking sense of course, but in my state of mind, it was the worst possible thing that could happen. I tried joking back with him, knowing that nothing was meant by it other than the fact that he needed some "me" time. And I know that Jerrod is someone who needs a fair amount of "me" time.
So I laid there, holding on to him, hoping that that would be enough for me. That I would be able to get the comfort I needed that would last me until I could see him again, but it didn't work. The overwhelming feeling that I was taking away his time to himself turned into him not wanting to spend so much time with me turned into me crashing and burning. He kept asking me if something was wrong, but I couldn't find the words or the voice or the power or the strength to tell him. I just started to cry.
Now, the fact is that I cry a lot. I also cry easily. But something that must be considered is that even though those two statements are true, so is the fact that I hate having people see me cry. I absolutely hate it and try to avoid it. As such, I'm not really used to being comforted a lot. It was easier for me to cry in front of Jerrod than it is for me to cry in front of any one else, but it was also still very hard. I knew I needed and wanted the comfort he had to offer, but I didn't know how to take it. And it was so difficult to have him sitting there looking at me. So I did the only thing I could think of. I closed my eyes. The mixture of not being sure how to take comfort and not looking at him made him feel "shut off" from me and like I was "trying to hide from him."
I wanted to stop crying so badly. I ended up doing what I normally do in a situation like that. I bit the sides of my mouth. Now, more than 2 hours later, I can still feel the indentations from my teeth and the inside of my cheeks are very sore. I chanted the mantra "Focus on physical pain, emotional pain will go away" over and over again until I was able to slow down my tears. I tried to look at Jerrod but it made me want to cry harder again. So I sat there with my eyes closed for longer. It was nearly 1 before I was able to dry my eyes and look at Jerrod. Shortly thereafter, I put on my shoes to leave, feeling horrible already for having taken that extra hour from him. He tried to tell me not to leave just because he had told me that midnight would probably be when I should go. But despite all the comfort and love I got from Jerrod, I still felt like I shouldn't be there. Like I should have left at midnight regardless of the crying. I was still hurt I suppose. And I know he didn't mean to hurt me and I don't blame him. I blame my depression.
He walked me back to Forrer and the way I left ended up scaring him I suppose. Jerrod thought he had really done something to hurt me badly. We ended up talking on AIM for a good while after that. Which sort of makes me feel like I just found another way to take away the time he needed for himself. I tried to explain to him some of what has gone on inside of my head, but I'm not sure how well I did. I hope well enough. I don't want him to feel like he hurt me though, because he did nothing intentionally. Hell...it's more my own thought processes than anything else.
I'm just really hoping that nothing else decides to hit me right now. Between the new bankruptcy, Ralph's (that truly wonderful and glorious man) death, and all the problems I've had here at school, I don't think I can take much more of this.
Peace
