some more stupid shit
February 15, 2004 at 9:17 p.m.
I'm really lost right now. I'm confused and hurt and sad and depressed and upset and all these things that I just can't find the words for. And therein lies my problem. I don't know what to say. I definitely don't know what to do. And there's really nothing anyone else can say that's going to stop me from feeling this way. I'm just being hit from all sides. Ralph. The bankruptcy. My parents. Jerrod. Everything. It's all crashing into me. And I can't even fucking say why or how.I think the only thing that has kept me from going insane has been the fact that Crystal and I have been able to work some things out. I don't know, maybe seeing that something I felt was beyond repair come back again shows me that maybe I'll be alright eventually. That maybe I'll not hurt so badly now that Ralph is gone. That maybe my parents will eventually get their lives back on track and not have to file for bankruptcy every 6 or 7 years. That maybe the bankruptcy will take care of the taxes my parents owe. That maybe Jerrod...well...that maybe Jerrod won't...god, I don't even know how to end that sentence.
I don't want to make him feel guilty for anything. He's not guilty of anything. But he is, unfortunately, right. On some level, I feel sort of abandoned I guess. Like I need him to be here with me and he doesn't want to be. Like I'm being that clingy person I vowed never to be. Like I need him too much and he's tired of it. Quite frankly, it scares me.
I swear that earlier today he suggested breaking up. Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me. I don't know. But when he said what he said, I couldn't even really process it. I had to ask him what he meant. My mind kept wondering back to it though. Is that what he wants? And then I'd almost start to cry again. I've cried so friggin' much in the last few days that I think my eyes will be permanently red.
I almost just want to curl up in my room and not leave. If I thought I could get away with it, I would. Not because of Jerrod either, because I know certain people who will read this and start to wonder. Yeah, a lot of people have realized that I seem to live in this daze all the time anyway. I just float by through the days. That's what depression tends to do to me. I exist. That's the extent of it. Jerrod gives me a relief from that daze. I don't think there's anything that makes me happier than being next to him. And thinking about him usually helps as well. But I don't mope around when he's not with me simply because he's not with me. I've seen that happen with one of my friends and I won't allow myself to be like that.
I think I'm just getting back on that damn rollercoaster I've talked about. And this is a definite down swing. I suppose that when I go up so high with being happy and in love and feeling overwhelming joy that it only befits me that my emotions drop so far so fast. Breakneck speed. Lord knows I always loved the fast rollercoasters. Now...if only I could build one based on my emotions....I'd make millions.
There I go being all incoherent again. I seem to do that a lot too. It's really quite sad actually. I know I can make sense, so why don't I? Because the words escape me. Because despite the vocabulary I like to use, I can't dig deep enough to get the words I need.
God I hate being needy.
