another great conversation
February 10, 2004 at 7:32 p.m.
Tonight, I decided that I wanted to share a portion of a conversation I recently had with Jerrod. Recently meaning it took place last Friday. This was past the mid point of the conversation, but I don't find it appropriate to post the rest of the conversation in this particular diary.Anyway, I was rereading this conversation that we had, which I've been prone to do lately, when it struck me yet again what a great person Jerrod really is. Not to mention how much he really means to me. It's kind of odd in my own mind that I've gone from bitching and complaining in here to talking about mainly Jerrod. I don't know...I guess I really just want to be able to read this part of the conversation no matter where I am. So here I am, posting it in my diary, a proof to myself that I am loved by a great guy!
me (2:05:55 AM): you see, sometimes, basically in one of my depression modes, i start to wonder if we've moved too fast...but when i'm with you it all just feels...i don't know...right....sounds kinda corny, but it's the truth
Jerrod (2:06:22 AM): Well, I wonder if we've moved too fast sometimes too, and I understand what you mean exactly
Jerrod(2:07:14 AM): It just feels as if, when we're doing things with each other (making out, etc.), it seems totally natural and comfortable...Never during an actual act have a felt nervous
me (2:07:36 AM): i have...but it's due to my low self confidance and what not
Jerrod (2:07:55 AM): Well...You're sure of that? I don't want you writing things like that off...
me (2:08:02 AM): i'm certain
me (2:08:37 AM): it's never a thought "i don't want to do this"....it's more "god, what does he find attractive about this (being myself)"
Jerrod (2:09:05 AM): Well, do you have a few hours so I can list why I think you're attractive?
me (2:09:25 AM): :-[ <--that's a blush
Jerrod (2:10:00 AM): I really, really mean it when I say you are beautiful and sexy...I both want you mentally and physically
Jerrod (2:10:45 AM): I find your personality extremely attractive...It complements mine well
me (2:11:19 AM): and you make me feel as if you do too.....which is why i know it's my practically non existant self confidance that makes me feel nervous and not my not being ready
me (2:11:23 AM): lol...i'm glad you do ^^
Jerrod (2:12:19 AM): Well...I wish I could just say "You need to look at yourself as attractive, and lo and behold, you'll be attractive, even to yourself", but I understand it doesn't work that way...
Jerrod (2:12:50 AM): I don't know where my surge of self-confidence came from last year, but it never has left me...
me (2:13:01 AM): wish i could find mine....and perhaps i will
Jerrod (2:13:22 AM): It usually helps to really actually think about complements you receive
Jerrod (2:13:49 AM): Not just a little, or think about them on the level of them making you feel warm and fuzzy...Actually thinking about what they mean
me (2:14:01 AM): i'll try to do that more
Jerrod (2:14:18 AM): Yeah...Remember how I told you reading about me in your diary is an ego boost?
me (2:14:27 AM): yup
Jerrod (2:14:42 AM): That's how I raise my self-confidence more...Sometimes I read things over and over
Jerrod (2:15:23 AM): One thing I notice about a lot of people is that they don't understand the difference between self-confidence and egotism...Mind you, thinking that you ARE capable of some things isn't egotistical
Jerrod (2:15:33 AM): It's something you need...Self-confidence
me (2:15:42 AM): i know
Jerrod (2:16:06 AM): Okay...Remember what I said about soapboxes a long time ago. Tackle me if I get on one and you want me off ;-)
me (2:16:22 AM): lol...i like some of your soapboxes dearheart
Jerrod (2:17:59 AM): Okee dokee...I want you to understand one more thing. I really do think you're beautiful, in the sense that I find you attractive in a highly abstract, personal sense, and that you're also sexy, meaning I find every inch of your body, every curve, almost every little thing physically attractive and arousing
me (2:18:46 AM): i'm not sure you know exactly what it means to me to hear you say that
Jerrod (2:19:03 AM): Then tell me...What does it mean?
me (2:19:23 AM): i'm not even certain i can describe the feeling really
me (2:19:43 AM): it makes me want to cry, but in a good way...you know, with a smile
me (2:20:05 AM): makes me realize just how lucky i am to have you and how wonderful you truly are
me (2:20:10 AM): and how much i love you
Jerrod (2:20:12 AM): :-) I'm happy, then, as well...I love you, for those reasons, and for more than I truly can think of...
Jerrod (2:20:58 AM): This is what I truly want you to eventually see in yourself...Even if you can't quite see it the same way I can ;-)
me (2:23:56 AM): well, you're working really hard and i thank you for it
Jerrod (2:24:45 AM): Well, it's no problem at all...I only report the facts, like I said...Now, I gotta go to bed, but I will leave you with one last complement...
Jerrod (2:26:36 AM): You are my love, meaning that I feel this almost indescribable emotion towards you, a bond that, despite the fact that we've only known each other two months, makes me feel as if we've known each other for years, makes me feel as if all my being wants to lift you up and praise everything there is wonderful about you (I cannot only because I would breathe my last before I finished), I have this feeling that I want to be right there, now, always, to hold you, and to want no more, this feeling that you make me infinitely happy, that, even on my saddest and most glum days, your mere presence, without words or even gestures, can make me smile and laugh and feel warmth again...
Jerrod (2:26:45 AM): Good night, my love, and sweetest dreams
Jerrod (2:27:11 AM): :-* <--that's a kissy face
me (2:27:24 AM): wow...i think you've left me truly speechless
Jerrod (2:27:40 AM): Sometimes silence is the most powerful response
me (2:27:52 AM): you're the best ever jerrod.....i love you so much and i wish you the sweetest dreams
me (2:28:01 AM): g'night :-*
Jerrod (2:28:13 AM): I love you lots! Night! :-*
Peace all!
